Last week I wrote a little about lies, why people lie and what we can do to get the truth more often. This week I want to mention something related that also causes problems. What happens when you think that someone is lying only to find out, gasp, that they were telling the truth all along. I am sure that is familiar to many people who may have been falsely accused or have falsely accused or both.
My first recollection of that was my mother asking me at 16 if I had been drinking, the legal age in Scotland is 18. I hadn't been drinking (on this occasion!) so I told the truth and replied that I hadn't been. My mother wasn't believing it for a second, don't lie to me she screamed, I replied in turn by stating quite clearly that I hadn't been drinking. Then it got interesting, she said I can smell it on your breath, well there was no way that was true, now who is telling lies!
We went around in circles for a time then she let it go, never admitting that she was wrong, but still suspicious. Truthfully all that did was to get me very careful with my after work drink, always making sure that mints or parsley were on hand before I got home.
I understand where my mother was coming from, she had experienced problems with my father drinking too much early on in the marriage and she wanted her children not to have those problems. However she was looking for trouble, or signs of trouble which is natural for a parent, they want to protect their children.
As I think now and from experience, not that everything is 100% by any means, if you are on the look out for trouble, aren't you likely to find it? For example if you are looking for signs that your child is unhappy, isn't that your filter? What if instead you were looking for signs that your child is happy, that too would become your filter and you would see it at every turn. Most importantly of all, if your child was unhappy it would be so noticeable that you would see it instantly and could deal with what was coming up.
I feel it's an important difference, for one single important reason. When you have a filter going, in this case my mother being on guard for us drinking, you start to imagine things that aren't really there. It happens more than you realize. My mother thought she could smell alcohol on my breath when there was none there, she was so convinced she was right, she couldn't see past that fact and made things up to support that view.
This also occurs a frequently in criminal cases, where a witness or even detectives are so convinced someone is lying and that they did do it, when it turns out later that they indeed didn't do it. These cases don't represent the majority by any means, however when you have the death penalty as a punishment being more open and flexible is required.
Some people may think it's just semantics, looking for indicators that someone is happy or that someone is honest, make an adjustment and see if it changes things for you. Also avoid a rush to judgment and ask yourself if you have any filters running or even go as far as to ask yourself if you are going out of your way to prove it's a lie or are you out to prove the truth.
