You will find it easier to understand some of what I'm talking about here if you read the earlier 6 parts of this series first, part 1 starts here.
Generally speaking people really only discuss the topic of suicide after someone they know or some celebrity has chosen to commit suicide. Sadly, at that point the conversation turns from shock to a lot of judgment and a lack of understanding and many questions, the two most common being, what did we miss and why would they do this.
The big dark secret about suicide is that most adults have at some point in their lives have themselves considered committing suicide. There is a scale from just a passing thought, to serious consideration, to planning it out and making that final choice. There are of course many other aspects to that range as well.
I wanted to mention this big secret at the beginning of this article to let people know that they are not alone, most people including myself have gone through this at least once and that the mere fact that most of us are still here, indicates that there must be a solution to this, otherwise we would have gone through with it and didn't. The numbers of people making the choice to continue far exceeds those who don't, and I believe it can get even better.
Why then if most have considered this, is there not more discussion and more compassion about suicide? A lot of it is shame, guilt, selective memory and trying to avoid being judged themselves, some consider it a sin (that's why I wanted you to read the earlier posts) and of course there is the possibility that someone will report you and have you placed in a mental facility. Professionals have legal responsibilities to condsider as well.
The latter is why most people will not talk about how they are feeling and why it comes as such a shock to others if they do eventually choose to end their lives. This is where I think most people do make a mistake, it is necessary for most to talk to someone about what is going on. There are a few people that are able to go through this by themselves without help, for most though, talk to someone. As I will explain in a later paragraph, we tend to over focus on the situation at hand and are blind to most everything else and that is where an outsider can offer another perspective and balance.
Times have changed and that is why the internet has been very beneficial as there are ways to ask for advice somewhat anonymously, which can be helpful and take away the fear of being placed in a mental hospital or other facility. Not that getting treatment should put you off, I know people who have been successfully treated and gone on to live good healthy balanced lives. There are hot lines in every state and you can visit the Suicide Org website for numbers and resources here.
A few months ago a Denver Broncos football player killed himself, he was injured forthe second season and had a couple of surgeries and it is now known he was in debt from gambling as well. The response to this was mostly harsh, negative and judging, validating the need for this subject to be discussed more and for people to be honest with themselves before judging others. This negative response led to one of the Denver Post writers, Woody Paige to write a column letting people know about his thoughts about ending his life and his recovery, you can read his column here.
When we give thought to giving up, it's clearly not because things are going well, rather it's when we are being bullied, losing the house, lost the job or relationship or several things combining at once, in other words when things are not going well. About the only thing we do when things are not going well is to focus on the problem, a lot of self talk about how things can't work, how we will never be able to recover, how could we have been so stupid to get involved in whatever it is, we have all the stories running over and over like a continuous loop. That is hell, that is what we call our darkest hours and no wonder there is no light, no hope getting in, it's a one sided trip in hell that in most cases isn't even true.
Oh yes, it's true that you are getting bullied, or lost the house etc, but all that doom and gloom story telling stuff, I'm sorry, you have no idea if that is going to be true or not. All you need to do is watch some of the videos on the "it gets better" channel on you tube to see that things change. Do some research on those who have lost their jobs or their homes or all their money during the last recession or stock market crash and see how they got another house and another car and another job, it's just temporary, though for some it can feel permanent.
This is why it's important to speak with someone, to get another perspective that offers some other truthful explanation that you have overlooked when you are locked into that continuous loop that blocks you from seeing a solution. I don't know anyone who has found a solution when they are stuck in the problem, you can not see it from that place.
My first experience dealing with suicide was at 16, a school friend chose to jump of the top of the tall building his girlfriend lived at. It turns out she had decided to end the relationship, it was the first for both and he apparently thought that he would never find another. In that moment it would be easy to feel that way, I also knew he was adopted as was his brother so I can imagine the stories he had running through his mind and they would appear to be the only truth to him. Yet he had no way of knowing for sure that could possibly be true, the odds were very high that it wouldn't be true. He just gave up and chose to end his life, it is a choice, it's just not the only one, and I say that without judgment of him.
Perhaps we give up too easily, and are now so conditioned that way, yet when we are patient things change. How often have you given up on your 1-15 football team one season and two years later they are in the super bowl and you are back supporting them again. Life is like that too, as I said in an earlier post, life is not all plain sailing. We will be challenged, we will have problems, no human is immune to that and it doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is, the color of your skin or how much money you have or how famous you are.
There is always a solution to every problem and if we become solutions focused will will find them and if we can't it doesn't mean there isn't a solution, we have to talk to others to help us find it.
Every parent I know would do anything they can to help their child, a 13 year girl in Orlando, who has cerebral palsy was being bullied on the school bus and to avoid this would hide in the bushes and skip school. She eventually told her father, who will be the first to admit over reacted and crossed the line and got on the school bus and verbally threatened those on the bus, he was arrested for his efforts.
Yet at the same time he was seen as a hero to many, especially his daughter and was recently on NBC as one of the people of the year. The confidence that brought his daughter, who was also on the show was easy to see, it was life changing for her, she could see that someone would stand up for her.
Now that is a dramatic example and I wouldn't encourage and over reaction like that, I would encourage you to talk with your parents or others, they will shift heaven and earth to help you, to ease the problem, to offer solutions and you will see that life gets better.
That example also highlights just how bad people feel at times, it can be for many reasons and how better they feel in the moment by teasing someone else. Let's be honest most people have done it, especially when younger, teased your siblings, or the pet or someone else and when you see the reaction that they have, for that brief moment, you do feel better.
What if we were to teach people that there are different ways to feel better, that don't involve picking on someone or something else? What if we were to teach children that we don't always get what we want exactly when we want it and it often comes later. What if we were to teach that getting angry is okay, it's what we do with that anger that's important.
What if we were to talk about how natural it is to want to give up when challenged and how we can overcome those difficulties. What if we were to teach that even in those challenging times it is normal to want to give up on life to and how we can talk with others to help. What if we were to to teach that asking for help is not a sign of weakness and that it can makes things easier. What if we were to teach that not everyone knows everything about everything and that there are different experts who can.
What if we were to find a way to talk about suicide with teenagers without glamorizing it, just like we do when we teach them about sex.
We cannot rely on passing laws to change behaviour and expect that bullying will stop, we have laws to control speeding and death penalty laws for murder, yet those laws have not ended speeding or murder. In fact let's be honest, most people speed despite the laws and penalties.
We can make a difference, it means stepping outside the conventional thinking and behaving and just asking questions that begin with "what if", is just one thing we can do differently.
That has been my intention in offering these different perspectives, ideas, examples and tools. I know the tools work and people have seen changes with them for the better. What ever your reaction to these ideas are, use that response to create your own tools, ideas and practices and conversations, doing so may just help someone choosing to live life instead of choosing to end life.
It doesn't matter what others think, it's time to have more honesty about suicide, when people are going through tought times, they often feel that no one else could possibly know what it's like to go through this, yet most everyone actually does. There is no need to keep going on and on about the problems, seek answers and solutions.
When you look at the subject matters that cause the most distress for people that choose to end their lives, money problems, love problems, big mistakes, most embarrasing moments, great shame, things not working out, being bullied.
I don't know about you, I have gone through all of those, several times, yes I did want to give up in the middle of it a couple of times. Instead I saw a way through it, the passing of the storm, which led to even greater success.
The most important thing I learned, was to control what I could control and what others thought was not one of them.
Are you ready to make a difference in your family? One family at a time, then the momentum takes over. It's possible and it will happen.
Thank you for reading, your attention is already making a difference.