Glen Of Scotland

Lies

Have you lied in the past and do you lie today? If you answered truthfully like me the answer is yes.

Of course not all lies are created equal there is a scale ranging from the small white lie or lie of convenience to the great whopper at the other end of the scale. I'm pretty sure we have all used different lies throughout the scale at some time or another.

With text messaging so popular nowadays a few studies seem to indicate that the number of lies increase dramatically over text compared to voice or video chat. One study concluded "Our results confirm that the more anonymous the technology allows a person to be in a communications exchange, the more likely they are to become morally lax,” Karl Aquino, a business professor at the University of British Columbia and co-author of the study, said in a statement".  You can read more here.

Researchers at Cornell came up with similar results "We’ve always lied; new technologies are merely changing the ways and the reasons we lie. Witness the “butler lie,” a term coined by Cornell University researchers in 2009 to describe lies that politely initiate and terminate instant messaging conversations. (“Gotta go, boss is coming!”) Like butlers, they act as social buffers, telling others that we are at lunch when we are just avoiding them" You can read more here.

So why do we humans lie and why do we humans hate to be lied to. There is no single answer to that question. Generally speaking I believe that humans lie because we perceive that the other person would not like hearing the truth, or perhaps we are embarrassed by the truth, or we fear punishment if we tell the truth, or we fear judgment if we tell  the truth, we sometimes want to make someone feel better or make ourselves feel better. In business we fear we might lose a sale or a loss of business, in politics we might lose an election, in government we fear we might cause panic if the truth comes out. These are just a few common examples.

Humans hate being lied to, yet clearly have no problem being the one to lie, something we tend to forget. Why do we hate it so much, well we all want the truth and feel we deserve the truth, when we eventually hear the truth and find we have been deceived  then it hurts, especially when it's family,we often find we have been scammed such as the Madoff scandal. We often personalize it with I treat you so well or trust you so much or I do so much for you why would you treat me this way. I am sure these will sound familiar.

If we can accept humans will lie, then how can we increase our odds of hearing the truth. The most obvious answer and something to look at is, how do we react when we hear something that has gone wrong, a mistake, something broken, someone wants some time to themselves, or want to discuss a problem. If humans overreact, get angry or don't handle it well in other ways that the other person feels diminished in anyway they will quickly learn to lie to you to avoid that experience again. Or as the famous line in the movie said, "you want the truth, you can't handle the truth" well can you?

It's natural to protect ourselves from emotional discomfort like that or not having our needs met and if someone constantly denies another their needs being met or unleashes verbal abuse for breaking a glass or something, then the self protective mechanism will activate.

One of the easiest, albeit risky ways to self protect is to lie. If you don't believe that then look at the times you felt the need to lie. What happened when you first broke something, or were late for dinner what did you do the next time?

Things happen in life, if you remain calm you increase the odds of getting the truth from others. However it is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect 100% compliance from everyone all of the time, we are emotional as well as human beings after all.

The other side of the argument is to fight and insist on the truth every time, with severe punishment if the truth isn't forthcoming. It would certainly be ideal if we received the truth every time, but human nature being what it is, how successful would you be? Would it increase the chances of being told the truth or would people become even more deceptive?

How quickly do you give up?

Over the holidays I played monopoly for the first time since I was a child. It was the city edition which is a bit more challenging than the original. It was fun and very interesting at the same time.

What made it interesting was watching the response to whatever was going on in the game. Based on the roll of the dice and who was able to accumulate properties and build buildings, the roller coaster of emotions of winning and losing throughout the game. Yes, I was caught up on it, if someone was on a run, things got bleak, I might think about losing the game,  other times I was ahead and got complacent and lost. It was a similar story from the other player, maybe even worse.

You see, if someone got a particular property the odds were pretty good that they would win the game, yet that was not always the case, things change based on the roll of the dice. A question went through my mind when I noticed someone was on a hot streak or a losing streak with the dice, are we able to influence the dice? It certainly appeared that way, perhaps we shook the dice more when winning who knows.

It wasn't long before someone wanted to give up and of course there was the monopoly gods not being kind to a player, which came up often. No, I didn't make that one up, it is a great illustration of the crazy stuff we resort to when things aren't going our way.

Whether it's a game of monopoly or the game of everyday life things happen and we don't get our way all of the time. So many people give up very quickly, get into blame or just start making things up to justify where we are.

Yet when we stay focused and stay on track things usually work out. Look at the race to be the republican nominee for the presidential race, it has been a roller coaster ride of front runners, things happened and they fell out of favor, made mistakes or dropped out. In sports a team might lose it's first three games then win the next three, there can be no rhyme nor reason things just happen beyond our control.

How is your mood when these things happen? Do you give up quickly or run some story about how things never work out for you? What if you were to cut out all of that stuff and just keep going making adjustments as you go along, how might things be. It's tempting to give up no doubt about that, no one likes to lose, yet someone has to.

If you think like me you aren't doing some of those things, then get a board game and a few people together and see how you get on, you may be surprised to notice how you respond. The odds are good that you will have the same response in other situations too, you just never noticed before.

Happy Thanksgiving

I would like to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving and hope you are having fun, laughing and feeling good.

I hope these stories help you feel good, the first story is about a mother and her daughter and a miracle. They say there is no explanation for it, read the story here and decide for yourself.

The next story comes in video form, this will help you feel good and you can view it here.

The follow up to the video above is here and you won't want to miss it, you can view it here.

Some people worry about the future, with kids like these growing up and many more like them, you really should consider getting excited about the future.

Filters

If you have a water filter, it's normally used to keep dirt etc out of the water you  drink to give you somewhat of an assurance that you have good water to drink. Your fear is that dirt or other things will get in your water and make you sick.

The mind has a filter too, let's say for whatever reason you need to have your spouse, male or female around most of the time. When your spouse says they have to work late, then your fear is they won't be around, your filter activates as you figure out how long they will be away for and what that means for you. Perhaps they are going to the store, or on a business trip, or to a sports game, or to a class there are many reasons why someone is not around.

As time goes by and the more often this happens, and let's face it, there are very often couples where they both work these days, the more this filter is activated and when it is you are constantly taking score of how much less time you have with each other. In other words you have become fixated on how much time you are apart, or how much this person is not available.

Does this sound familiar? Have you noticed how it seems to get worse as time goes by?

What if you were to take away the filter or the fixation and instead became focused or fixated on the time you have together?

An interesting thing happens when people are willing to do this, they recognize that they actually spend quite a bit of time together and in time they actually spend even more time together. After this is noticeable, when asked if the time together they originally thought should be spent together was reasonable, it became clear that it wasn't.

In fact one person admitted that they had expected the spouse to spend all of their time togther, which was neither reasonable or realistic, not to mention suffocating.

Free of the filter, emotions and stress levels improve. The thing is, we have many, many filters going on at the same time for different things, so tackle the easiest one first if you want to experiment.

How do you know if you have a filter, that's easy, what are you complaining to your friends about or to your spouse? Odds are high you have a filter going on about these topics!

Ask if it's true

We all have beliefs about most things in life and one thing I have noticed is how rarely we challenge those beliefs and ask is this even true. Sometimes the beliefs we have are not even ours, they are sometimes handed down from generation to generation or they might be part of the mass consciousness.

Here is an example, I have been in different cities throughout the country this year as well as here in Colorado. I still have a slight accent left and people will often ask where I am from. Quite often that will lead to someone saying that Europeans really hate Americans, of foreigners really hate Americans. I reply back not at all of them do, where do they get that idea from?

Some will say newspaper reports or television reports or other such stories and I let them know that the overwhelming majority of Europeans love America and Americans and it's only a very small percentage that hate. Depending on where I am, I will ask them to look around and see the number of foreign tourists who are here spending their money, buying American goods, taking in the sights. Even those who are at war with America have been known to enjoy American made products in their own homes.

It's a belief that's simply not true and based on news reports etc that are not truly representative of what is actually going on in the world.

How many beliefs like that do you have and are you willing to ask if they are even true? How much are you missing out in life due to your beliefs?

Your Attention

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and more recently Libya have been going on for a while now and generally speaking people have tuned it out and are not giving it much attention. Part of that is the long time frame, the loss of lives, injury and destruction and the financial cost. Giving the situation attention, doesn't feel good, makes people angry, they recognize they have no power or control over the situation, so they give their attention to other matters.

The unemployment situation has being going on for some time too and again generally speaking people have tuned it out, not that they don't care or have compassion for those going through long term unemployment they do. It's just uncomfortable, doesn't feel good, makes people angry and they recognize they have no power or control over the situation, so they give their attention elsewhere and other matters that are a bit more pleasing.

The leadership of the country in congress and the white house has been missing for quite some time now and like the other topics above, people have tuned it out, though it rears it's ugly head now and again. It's just uncomfortable, makes people angry and they have no power or control over the situation, so they give their attention to other matters that are a bit more pleasing.

Words are said or not said at home or the office, by the spouse, boss, co-workers or kids and people give that their attention. It's uncomfortable, doesn't feel good, makes people angry and other emotions and they hold on to it and don't let it go. Wait what happened there?

Hold on something is not right, why would people hold on to these things, which they have no control or power over? Yet, tune out the war, the economy and our leaders, what's up with that?

All of these topics are reality on any given day, and when I suggest we tune out what these people did, said, didn't do or didn't say, then they claim to do so would mean they are in denial. I don't believe that's the case at all, it's accepting what we have power and control over and letting go of what we don't.

The difference I feel is that the earlier topics, people see as larger and more general and what goes on at work or home is more personal and in my opinion we as humans personalize it too much. This gives us trouble in letting go and it really consumes us. Forget the right and wrong as you see it in the situation and arguments can be made in all of the above mentioned topics about right and wrong, I do know that. We have no power or control over these matter as individuals so we let go.

I'm asking that as you have capably shown you can do in letting go of your attention to the war, unemployment and leadership topics, that you apply the same to those issues you have personalized. Not to give away your power, just to feel better, which will give you clarity about what you want and change your body language etc which will reduce the likelihood of it happening again to you.

It's a big step, I know, let me ask you , how is working out doing it the other way, holding on and personalizing it?

If you do want to get more involved in these other matters, that is fine too, some people can feel good and better mobilizing others. They typically have a good idea what things look like as far as the end result goes. For example with the wars, I would break everything down as far as possible and approach things that way. For example take the populations of each country and calculate the number of people on both sides who are actually at war. Then do the same with the money, express a cost to each participant, same with the loss of life and injuries on all sides, personalize it even more with the number of meals or food for people who have gone without on both sides, shelter too, contrast that with the arms dealers and contractors etc and show how their wealth has increased.

I promise you it would not take long for things to change with that approach.

It's really a choice to tune out which is the best way for most or if you choose to engage then do so in a way that will open eyes and work towards the end result you have in mind. Be consistent if you choose to tune out to feel better, then do so with everything where you have no power or control and to make it easy for you, the only person you have power and control over is yourself! Life will flow better and stress will be reduced dramatically.

I hate myself for.....

I used to say those words in the past after I ate something  that spoiled my diet or made the same mistake again. I hate myself for doing this over and over again. I soon learned what damage I was doing to myself (it took several days to recover from an I hate myself episode) and became more gentle with myself.

How did I do that, well I recognized that I'm not perfect, nor is anyone else for that matter and that a slip generally doesn't mean the end of the world or a diet. In fact when it came to diet, I learned to eliminate them from my life, which made things easier too. We all make mistakes and when we all often don't make the best choice, that doesn't mean that we are bad or horrible or anything similar.

It just means that we are distracted, preoccupied, lazy, not paying attention, off our game, fearful, thinking ahead and things like that. It doesn't mean that we are always like that, it means we might be like that 1% or less of the time. Pretty good don't you think?

However when we beat ourselves up with I hate myself, or I'm stupid, or I'm an idiot and the like, that can run on for hours and days sometimes even longer. The attention we are bringing to the mistake has suddenly changed to 95% of our time in our mind. In other words we  blow it out of proportion.

It's fine to want to correct mistakes, especially if we keep repeating them, we can learn triggers and patterns and make some adjustments as we go along. One good reason to keep a note of what is going on etc so you can see any patterns. Which is way better than beating yourself up, don't you think? For example if I had Ice cream in the house, I would eat it, if I didn't I wouldn't go out and buy it, so it wasn't consumed, simple but effective.

So, where does all of this come from? As children we made mistakes too and didn't do well at certain things. For example if you got your report from school and you had 5 A's and 1 C, what was given the attention and how did that feel? You tried your hardest and your best and all you heard about was the C, right? Very demoralizing and on an emotional level, very painful.

Another example, if you made a mistake, was there a big fuss and some not very nice words spoken to you, or worse? What was said when you did things well? Not much?

It would seem that there is a lot of emotional pain which hurts, not like a punch in the nose, but enough hurt to want to not experience it on a regular basis again.

Could that be one primary reason why we feel so bad when we make a mistake?

Are we recognizing that there is generally no one making a song and dance about the mistake today, other than ourselves and often in our own mind? Have we lost track of the fact our parents and school teachers aren't shouting at us now?

If you are a parent today, how are you reacting to the 5 A's and 1 C,or mistakes your child is making?

Whatever you do, be gentle and love yourself, be gentle with yourself, especially when you make that mistake, which being human is part of life.

I'm just not appreciated

It doesn't matter the environment I'm working with, the declaration "I'm just not appreciated" comes up very frequently. It can be at work where an employee feels as if they are doing well or working extra hard or doing things above and beyond what is asked for, and feels not appreciated or doesn't hear any thank you or praise.

At home it can be a husband or wife, the kids and often a feeling of being taken for granted, from their perception never hearing a thank you, a well done or any form of appreciation.

Once that feeling and perception comes up, it's a tough one to shake loose of as that becomes your new filter. Meaning you are doing all those things and maybe even going as far as to say to yourself, let's see if they notice this. You may even start keeping a score card to bring up during arguments as your evidence, if not for arguments certainly in your mind.

Of course the more you notice the lack of appreciation the more you seem to find it, you may notice it follows you around, from work to home to friends, it's everyone, who do you bother you may ask yourself. Quite the self pity party or worse.

I can promise you that under those thinking and beliefs, nothing will change and you will continue to feel bad.

The first question, is it even true, that they don't appreciate you? I have found situations where words of appreciation were given that were different from what was expected. A seemingly casual "oh thanks" versus your expectation of a big scene of more words or even a ticker parade will never match up to what you feel you deserve.

The next thing I would ask you to look at, is what are their actions rather than their words. Are you getting pay raises, promotions etc at work, or flowers and gifts at home. Those are actions that indicate approval, acceptance and appreciation, though again they may not be what you have built up in your mind.

Next, I would suggest looking at the individual and seeing if they are capable of providing what you are looking for. Everyone has been brought up and had different exposures in life and not everyone is comfortable with expressing love and appreciation. The good news is that is something that can change from the influence of others in the environment, mainly YOU.

The intention is not to change them, rather to create an  environment of appreciation and it entails YOU being the one to start appreciating others, especially those you feel you are having problems with. Yes that may seem tough to swallow, given your current view point, be willing to let that go for now and start complimenting rather complaining in your mind and verbally.

I promise if you apply this diligently and with a pure intention you will see a change around you very quickly. Apply it first to what you consider your easiest of all the situations first then move from there. Don't try to control how others express appreciation, even if it is different from the words you would choose, it's still appreciation.

What's going wrong?

Very often people will look at a situation, see something they perceive as being off or different from what it "should be" of what they would be expect it or like it to be. Then it becomes a discovery of what's going wrong or what am I doing wrong, or what are they doing wrong.

The process of discovering what's going wrong is very stressful and frustrating as we search for what could be causing the delay in getting the promotion, losing the weight, getting healthy again, someones behaviour not changing quickly, a child still in diapers anything subject really.

As a neutral example let's look at the photos of the aspen trees, both were taken the same day within an hour of each other:

What's wrong that one set of trees are more developed than the other set, look at the difference, there has to be something wrong here. Who can we blame, what can we do, what do we need to change, who is responsible!

As it happens, the first photo is 2,000 feet higher than the other and it was still much cooler higher up with not as much exposure to the sun, all that is required is to be patient, the trees will blossom as it becomes warmer.

Back to human life, what if there is nothing wrong in theses situations we are examining and searching for what's wrong, rather all that is required is more patience.

I know we have all that conditioning so it's like we just automatically look for what's wrong. Which leads to frustration and stress and dare I say more things going wrong. Other than patience what if we looked at what's going right here. As we do that, does that lead you to believe that you might actually be on the right track, you are doing all the right things or most things right.

Would that help you to be more patient? Would it be less stressful?

Be sensible too, if you are on a lake and your boat is taking on water, would not be the time to do the above, stay as relaxed as you can, find something to get the water out and get to shore asap!

More Love 2

If you scroll down you can follow the other posts on this subject.

Peggy loved apple pie, she bakes them often. I asked her how often she makes a perfect apple pie and she replied not often. After eating the pie, she will often make a note to tweak the ingredients for the next time and then gets on with life, still loving apple pies.

I was speaking with Peggy and she was talking about a recent shopping trip with her daughter Sue, which had been frustrating. It seems Sue wanted ice cream and Peggy was resisting that idea and Sue was resiting the offered alternatives, which was frustrating for them both.

Peggy was asking why does this keep happening, adding on to the frustration. I replied that it's always slightly different and that she cannot expect to be perfect all the time and not to beat up on herself. All that was needed was to adjust things and prepare a little differently for the next shopping trip. It was established that the initial resistance to ice cream was an attempt to prevent her daughter getting diabetes and like she did.  However going a little deeper it was clear that the comparison was not valid as the circumstances between the two were different and Sue was in no danger of becoming diabetic and Peggy was herself no longer diabetic.

All of this was understandable,a caring mother, a little fearful and getting very frustrated and not loving herself much as a result and to spice things up was still holding on to all of this a week later.

I used the example of the apple pie, I asked Peggy why she couldn't make the perfect pie all the time and why the less than perfect pie kept happening. She explained, some times the there wasn't enough of one ingredient or she was rushed and things like that. Peggy agreed that she still loved the apple pie, regardless and she agreed that all that was necessary was to tweak the ingredients for the next time and she further agreed that the matter was forgotten almost immediately.

I asked Peggy to replicate this when it came to herself and her different encounters, to ease her way not to perfection, rather to making adjustments based on what happens, still loving herself and letting it go quickly. I explained she has experience and success with this when it came to the pies, despite how often the pie is less than perfect and there is zero stress as a left over, so this would be nothing new.

Peggy could see how easy this is and how it will benefit her.

Names and details have been changed as I thought this would be beneficial for all those mothers out there (and others) who beat themselves up when they are not the perfect parent.

More Love

If you didn't read the last post from Valentines day scroll down and check it out first.

Using your love of food as an example, let's say you love rib eye steak. You may cook it yourself and have your way of cooking it and you may eat steak in restaurants or at barbecues and each place has their own way cooking it. In other words it's not possible to get the exact steak cooked to your own idea of perfection every time, even by yourself.

Let's say you have a bad experience with your much loved rib eye steak, does that stop the steak from being your loved food? In fact how often have you had a less than desirable steak? Quite a few times I would imagine. Yet you will not give up on steak, you still love it don't you?

How often do you give up on loving yourself when you have a bad experience or slipped up?

How often do you give up loving your spouse, partner, child, co-worker when they slip up or do something you don't like?

Why would a rib eye steak or your other most loved food receive better treatment?

People might say well it's hard to do, not really you already have the experience of loving your rib eye steak no matter what, write down the process you go through with that and duplicate it for yourself.

Too easy?

Happy Valentines Day

I'm sure a lot of people will celebrate today seeing as how the 14th falls on Monday. Whichever day it is for you, I hope you are feeling loved and that you love yourself too. In fact I hope you love yourself more than anyone else does. Why, well for one it takes away the need for love. If you are needy for love are you making the best choices or will you just do anything to be loved?

If you love yourself, as you are, does it mean you have something to give?

Do you love yourself as much as that favorite food you love?

How does it feel inside when you eat the food you love so much?

How does it feel inside when you love yourself?

Any difference? Which is stronger?

What happened or what did you do, for that favorite food to be so loved by you?

Would you be willing to do the same process for yourself?

Please don't judge your answers, recognize the fresh awareness if any and move forward replicating the process and timing of loving your favorite food.

 

Handling Stressful Situations

Last month I was in San Francisco during the rain storms that hit the west coast. It doesn't take much in the way of fog or rain to disrupt the flight schedules at this airport, so I factor that in with my plans. This trip though was pretty wild, there were many flights cancelled and the airport was running about a 4 hour delay when I flew in and just over 90 minutes flying back for those flights that were not cancelled.

As it was also the week before Christmas, most flights were pretty full and the airports busy. Even with all of that, I was surprised at the line of people waiting to check in at the Southwest counters, I had never seen a line that long anywhere before, it was the length of the terminal with another line outside too for the skycaps.

I was there in plenty of time so I was not worried about missing my delayed flight, so I joined the line. Naturally there were many other things I would rather be doing, the reality was what it was and there were flight delays, bad weather and a lot of people al of which I had no control over whatsoever.

My choices were to complain, leave the airport and fly another day, get all stressed out about, or stay relaxed and  occupy myslelf somehow. I made the choice to stay relaxed, fly that day and joined the line.

A guy followed me in line and was not a happy camper, he was on the phone complaining, how he was going to miss his flight, how bad the airline was, how crazy it all was etc etc, he was getting all worked up and the line was not moving. He asked if I would keep his spot in line while he went to investigate, he came back and said there were only two people working the counters and it would take all day to get checked in. He was able to hear anything anyone said, so I continued reading my iphone applications and playing games to pass the time.

His phone calls continued and then all of a sudden he leaves for the outside line, not long after that, someone came along and split the lines inside, those with non stop flights in one line and those with connecting flights in the other, which did speed things up. It still took 80 minutes to get my bag checked, luckily the security line was empty as all the airlines were having the same problems and I easily made my flight.

I'm sitting at the window waiting to take off and who should board, yes, the guy who was in line, he made his flight and he was still mad! He tried to engage the flight attendant with his story, she wasn't going there and he tried to engage me and I had no interest other than to say, hey you made your flight that's great. I noticed that as he was trying to tell his story he was exaggerating the wait, he said 3 hours and all morning, funny how we humans do that isn't it?

I'm not saying that it is fun to wait a long time like that, standing with a long line of people who faced an uncertain day of travel, there are other things I would rather be doing. We have a choice in how we respond and getting stressed out really accomplishes nothing in most cases. It is much easier these days with the technology of cell phones and ipods and other devices that we can use to pass the time, often there are interesting people around too. There was a lady in front of me who was going to San Diego and we chatted about that for a bit, another used his cell phone to call the airline and changed his flight and flew out of Oakland instead, I gathered his flight had been  canceled from San Francisco.

Why not use the technology to make handling stressful situations easier, or for your advantage, does that not feel easier than getting all stressed out. What do you eat or drink after these stressful situations and how do you feel after you have consumed them?

Be relaxed or get stressed it is a choice, what will you choose?

Merry Christmas

I hope you are reading this Christmas message, relaxed and happy and feeling peaceful, was it fun? Okay, if you skip over the bad parts, any relaxed parts left in the day, and parts of the day when you smiled, even just a little? Yeah, that's it how about those parts, you must admit whatever you saw or heard it was worth that smile, how did that feel for just that moment? Can you smile again just thinking about it for a second, see you have it in you after all. Go on, do it again, what, now you are actually laughing?

Wow, how about that, it's okay, I won't tell. Thanks for your smile though, that was a really nice gift.

Here are a couple of stories that highlight the goodwill and kindness of the season:

The next time your train is late, think about this

The power of a gift

Suicide

You will find it easier to understand some of what I'm talking about here if  you read  the earlier 6 parts  of this series first, part 1 starts here.

Generally speaking people really only discuss the topic of suicide after someone they know or some celebrity has chosen to commit suicide. Sadly, at that point the conversation turns from shock to a lot of judgment and a lack of understanding and many questions, the two most common being, what did we miss and why would they do this.

The big dark secret about suicide is that most adults have at some point in their lives have themselves considered committing suicide. There is a scale from just a passing thought, to serious consideration, to planning it out and making that final choice. There are of course many other aspects to that range as well.

I wanted to mention this big secret  at the beginning of this article to let people know that they are not alone, most people including myself have gone through this at least once and that the mere fact that most of us are still here, indicates that there must be a solution to this, otherwise we would have gone through with it and didn't. The numbers of people making the choice to continue far exceeds those who don't, and I believe it can get even better.

Why then if most have considered this, is there not more discussion and more compassion about suicide? A lot of it is shame, guilt, selective memory and trying to avoid being judged themselves, some consider it a sin (that's why I wanted you to read the earlier posts) and of course there is the possibility that someone will report you and have you placed in a mental facility. Professionals have legal responsibilities to condsider as well.

The latter is why most people will not talk about how they are feeling and why it comes as such a shock to others if they do eventually choose to end their lives. This is where I think most people do make a mistake, it is necessary for most to talk to someone about what is going  on. There are a few people that are able to go through this by themselves without help, for most though, talk to someone. As I will explain in a later paragraph, we tend to over focus on the situation at hand and are blind to most everything else and that is where an outsider can offer another perspective and balance.

Times have changed and that is why the internet has been very beneficial as there are ways to ask for advice somewhat anonymously, which can be helpful and take away the fear of being placed in a mental hospital or other facility. Not that getting treatment should put you off, I know people who have been successfully treated and gone on to live good healthy balanced lives. There are hot lines in every state and you can visit the Suicide Org website for numbers and resources here.

A few months ago a Denver Broncos football player killed himself, he was injured forthe second season and had a couple of surgeries and it is now known he was in debt from gambling as well. The response to this was mostly  harsh, negative and judging, validating the need for this subject to be discussed more and for people to be honest with themselves before judging others. This negative response led to one of the Denver Post writers, Woody Paige to write a column letting people know about his thoughts about ending his life and his recovery, you can read his column here.

When we give thought to giving up, it's clearly not because things are going well, rather it's when we are being bullied, losing the house, lost the job or relationship or several things combining at once, in other words when things are not going well. About the only thing we do when things are not going well is to focus on the problem, a lot of self talk about how things can't work, how we will never be able to recover, how could we have been so stupid to get involved in whatever it is, we have all the stories running over and over like a continuous loop. That is hell, that is what we call our darkest hours and no wonder there is no light, no hope getting in, it's a one sided trip in hell that in most cases isn't even true.

Oh yes, it's true that you are getting bullied, or lost the house etc, but all that doom and gloom story telling stuff, I'm sorry, you have no idea if that is going to be true or not. All you need to do is watch some of the videos on the "it gets better" channel on you tube to see that things change. Do some research on those who have lost their jobs or their homes or all their money during the last recession or stock market crash and see how they got another house and another car and another job, it's just temporary, though for some it can feel permanent.

This is why it's important to speak with someone, to get another perspective that offers some other truthful explanation that you have overlooked when you are locked into that continuous loop that blocks you from seeing a solution. I don't know anyone who has found a solution when they are stuck in the problem, you can not see it from that place.

My first experience dealing with suicide was at 16, a school friend chose to jump of the top of the tall building his girlfriend lived at. It turns out she had decided to end the relationship, it was the first for both and he apparently thought that he would never find another. In that moment it would be easy to feel that way, I also knew he was adopted as was his brother so I can imagine the stories he had running through his mind and they would appear to be the only truth to him. Yet he had no way of knowing for sure that could possibly be true, the odds were very high that it wouldn't be true. He just gave up  and chose to end his life, it is a choice, it's just not the only one, and I say that without judgment of him.

Perhaps we give up too easily, and are now so conditioned that way, yet when we are patient things change. How often have you given up on your 1-15 football team one season and two years later they are in the super bowl and you are back supporting them again. Life is like that too, as I said in an earlier post, life is not all plain sailing. We will be challenged, we will have problems, no human is immune to that and it doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is, the color of your skin or how much money you have or how famous you are.

There is always a solution to every problem and if we become solutions focused will will find them and if  we can't it doesn't mean there isn't a solution, we have to talk to others to help us find it.

Every parent I know would do anything they can to help their child, a 13 year girl in Orlando, who has cerebral palsy was being bullied on the school bus and to avoid this would hide in the bushes and skip school. She eventually told her father, who will be the first to admit over reacted and crossed the line and got on the school bus and verbally threatened those on the bus, he was arrested  for his efforts.

Yet at the same time he was seen as a hero to many, especially his daughter and was recently on NBC as one of the people of the year. The confidence that brought his daughter, who was also on the show was easy to see, it was life changing for her, she could see that someone would stand up for her.

Now that is a dramatic example and I wouldn't encourage and over reaction like that, I would encourage you to talk with your parents or others, they will shift heaven and earth to help you, to ease the problem, to offer solutions and you will see that life gets better.

That example also highlights just how bad people feel at times, it can be for many reasons and how better they feel in the moment by teasing someone else. Let's be honest most people have done it, especially when younger, teased your siblings, or the pet or someone else and when you see the reaction that they have, for that brief moment, you do feel better.

What if we were to teach people that there are different ways to feel better, that don't involve picking on someone or something else? What if we were to teach children that we don't always get what we want exactly when we want it and it often comes later. What if we were to teach that getting angry is okay, it's what we do with that anger that's important.

What if we were to talk about how natural it is to want to give up when challenged and how we can overcome those difficulties. What if we were to teach that even in those challenging times it is normal to want to give up on life to and how we can talk with others to help. What if we were to to teach that asking for help is not a sign of weakness and that it can makes things easier. What if we were to teach that not everyone knows everything about everything and that there are different experts who can.

What if we were to find a way to talk about suicide with teenagers without glamorizing it, just like we do when we teach them about sex.

We cannot rely on passing laws to change behaviour and expect that bullying will stop, we have laws to control speeding and death penalty laws for murder, yet those laws have not ended speeding or murder. In fact let's be honest, most people speed despite the laws and penalties.

We can make a difference, it means stepping outside the conventional thinking and behaving and just asking questions that begin with "what if", is just one thing we can do differently.

That has been my intention in offering these different perspectives, ideas, examples and tools. I know the tools work and people have seen changes with them for the better. What ever your reaction to these ideas are, use that response to create your own tools, ideas and practices and conversations, doing so may just help someone choosing to live life instead of choosing to end life.

It doesn't matter what others think, it's time to have more honesty about suicide, when people are going through tought times, they often feel that no one else could possibly know what it's like to go through this, yet most everyone actually does. There is no need to keep going on and on about the problems, seek answers and solutions.

When you look at the subject matters that cause the most distress for people that choose to end their lives, money problems, love problems, big mistakes, most embarrasing moments, great shame, things not working out, being bullied.

I don't know about you, I have gone through all of those, several times, yes I did want to give up in the middle of it a couple of times. Instead I saw a way through it, the passing of the storm, which led to even greater success.

The most important thing I learned, was to control what I could control and what others thought was not one of them.

Are you ready to make a difference in your family? One family at a time, then the momentum takes over. It's possible and it will happen.

Thank you for reading, your attention is already making a difference.

 

 

Life is not all plain sailing part 2

What will also help is to like and love yourself, it's an easy thing to overlook especially when you are sensitive about things as simple as acne. It doesn't matter what you are or who you have if you don't like yourself and love yourself, you will carry that vibe and body language around with you. When you do what are the odds that someone else will want to get close to you?

That of course leads people to feel lonely and isolated, so they withdraw and isolate themselves, which naturally leads to more of the same. When they choose to do something about it and go out more, they complain that no one want to be with them or talk with them. This of course solidifies the despair leading to even more withdrawal and isolation.

You are forgetting one thing, that lonely dark vibe you had before you went out to meet people, you took that with you. Other people pick up that vibe from you, without you saying a single word to them and without them even thinking about it, something makes them uncomfortable and they will drift away from you to be more comfortable.

Before you go out, you have to take care of your vibe, the best way to do this is to think about all the things you like and love about yourself. I know that can be hard to do in the beginning, in which case keep it basic, such as how you love that you can walk and run, (as many are unable to do so themselves) and if that is challenging, think back to you most favorite times, vacations, special moments when you were happy and having fun and in that space, go out. You will notice a huge difference, be resilient it may not work the 1st time you try it, it will if you keep doing it and get better at it.

As an example of what happens when you are walking around with a negative vibe, this experience will help illustrate it.

It was a Friday and I was out of town ready for teaching a class the next day. There was an Outback steakhouse next to the hotel so I went in and sat at the bar for dinner. The bar tenders were friendly, introduced themselves and took my drink and food order and I received both in good time. Mid way through my meal, I felt a heavier darker presence approach. I am sensitive to energy and the vibe of people and things and it was dramatically different from what was going on just a few minutes before.

I paid attention to what was going on, especially as I was teaching the next day and often situations like this come along to help with my teaching. The vibe was coming from a younger man who came in to the bar area of the restaurant and sat on the other side. He sat and he waited for one of the bartenders to take his order. He waited and he waited and it was 6 or 7 minutes before either of the bar tenders approached, the place by the way, was not busy at all.

I noticed that the bar tender didn't introduce himself as he took the order for food and drink, as he had done with everyone else. Anyway the young man was sitting there and his food came about 10 minutes or so later, in the meantime his drink order hadn't. The bar tender had forgotten the drink and apologized so the young man now finally had his drink and food. When it came time to pay for his order, he presented a $100 bill and then an odd thing happened. The cash register jammed and they couldn't get the drawer to open to give him the change. There was a wait of another 7 or 8 minutes from him to receive his change and finally left, with a vibe that was somewhat worse than when he came in.

Suppose for a moment that this guy was feeling lonely or had a bad day, that experience was not going to help the situation much at all. What explanation is there for two bartenders to basically ignore or not see him sitting there for so long? Keep in mind up until this point he had not said a word to them. It's possible they knew him from before and he didn't tip well or something, yet there was no acknowledgement that they seem to know each other or had an experience before.

Could it have been his vibe? I believe it was, I felt the vibe as being heavy and dark and I know from experience that while I can consciously feel it, other humans can feel it on an unconscious level. This is all without words being spoken, we feel it unconsciously as activate a protective mechanism, we do this when we feel someone especially needy around us well. This protective mechanism has the ability to block us from seeing things that are right in front of us. Most people have first had experience with this when they lose something, such as the house keys. How often have you been angry, frustrated or annoyed and gone looking for your keys, searched high and low many times then relaxed and found your keys in the exact same spot you were looking 5 or 6 times before. They were there all the time and yet you couldn't see what was staring you in the face.

Another example that you often see as a way to test this out for yourself is to watch a newborn or young baby, clearly with no judgments about anything at that point. The baby is sleeping or relaxed and then someone comes into the room, angry,frustrated or overwhelmed and what often happens is the baby starts to cry. The baby is feel that vibe and it's very uncomfortable.

Likewise with pets if you have pets at home and you are angry, do you find the pets seem to steer away from you or go hiding, yet when you are happy they are snuggling up to you?

Look at what else happened to this young man, drink order forgotten and the cash register getting jammed, is it just a coincidence that these things happened? Or is it more about how you are feeling gets things flowing in one direction, in this situation not a pleasant one and when you are feeling good they flow in a better direction?

Might you have more control over your situation than you realize? That is a lot of power to be able to influence what happens around you don't you think?

Some might say, well that's true but my situation is really tough and it''s been this way for a long time so it will take forever to see an improvement. There is no question that your situation may have been going on for a while, can I ask if your response to the situation been the same each time. On other words if someone bullies you, do you just crumple and give up each time?

That's one reason things have felt prolonged, you cannot expect to see a change in anything if you have the same response each time. Just as you cannot expect the water to boil if you forget the water or to turn the stove on each time, if you forget the first time you will remember the water the next time and experience a different result.

Your different response can be anything from the suggestions here, to calling the police, your parents, the local newspaper, the school, speaking back, fighting. If you have been unemployed for a while, volunteer for a morning or an hour to get back in to the habit of doing something or being with people or doing something worthwhile. If you have been depressed, could you find something for just an hour to focus on like a comedy, a garden, feed the birds. If you are short of money, going to some of the many free events that are held in every town.

When you do this and keep doing it, you build momentum, just like you push the car and it's tough to begin with, then it gets going and you build more momentum and it gets easier. Momentum needs those first steps though and step by step you can find a way.

That's how you learned to walk, run, ride your bike and drive your car. Step by step and you do have experience there each and every one of you and it all wasn't plain sailing, you did fall, trip and stall the car, yet you kept going and did it and you can do it again with anything step by step.

Just this week, I tried a new aerobic machine at the gym it required different movements than I was used to, so after 5 minutes I stopped. The next morning was easier, I was getting used to it, so I did 10 minutes, then I doubled it again the next morning to 20 minutes and again doubled it to 40 minutes  and this morning I did the full 60 minutes. That's the power of momentum and it's a power you have and like me have used before.

We have a lot of powerful tools at our disposal, dust them off and use them.

more to come

 

 

Less Than No One

Anyone who is different, or has made a mistake, or has too much debt will often feel inferior, small, separate or less than everyone else. It's easy to feel  that way, when others are quick to judge or criticize or go out of their way to make sure we can't do something we would like to do or would like to have the right to do. Regardless of what they say or do it is ultimately us who creates the feeling inside.

One thing that can help limit the effects of what they are saying or doing is connecting to a very simple truth. You, yes you, are less than no one.

It is a true statement, strip away, the color of your skin, your sex and you are a human being first and foremost, we can go even deeper than that with DNA etc. We share this, we are human beings, we are the same and created the same, we all have our own unique talents and gifts that contribute towards the growth of humanity. It may not seem or feel like it at times, but there has been growth in humanity over the years with room for much more.

People falsely assume that because of their sex or color, their position, their location that this somehow makes them more than everyone else or you specifically. You need only look back through the history of America and of other countries, to see how that has played out. There were people who thought that Native Americans were less than they were because of how they lived, their customs and beliefs and how they spoke. They were just different from the white man and to justify the perceived threat, false stories were made up as proof of why they should not be trusted, should be treated with suspicion or killed and why they should not be treated like the rest of those who were more than them.

As you look at the history in America of how women and African Americans and others have been treated, you can see how   long it takes for this "I'm more than you" behavior takes to change.

Interestingly when those in a minority,  are afforded their rights and viewed as equals, the feared end of the world or end of our power and all those fears that were brought up before, never materialize, all that fear and drama for nothing.

Yet some of those in the above examples in those times, and even today, people accepted the belief that they were less than everyone else. When you keep hearing the same thing over and over again, you will begin to believe it and you will filter everything through that belief. Just as those with the opposing belief will do as well.

Many countries allow gay men and women to serve openly in the military, and despite the prior fears, without any problems. Yet in America it is slow going for change. Likewise many women have been prime minister or president in different countries and again it is slow to change in America. It is better than it was before, where the straight white male was considered superior.

I feel that if those involved were to move away from "it's not right you are treating us this way" or "it's not right we can't do this or have this" to things like "I am a human being like you" " I feel and understand your fear of change and I am no threat to you" "Your fellow human beings in other countries have gone through these changes without problems" " together as human beings we can grow faster and become more prosperous than when we are fighting each other" "together as human beings we can lead the world not just economically but socially" "learn from history from the so called superior empires and lost civilizations destroyed by their infighting and resistance to change".

Now I don't know about you, but out of the two segments above, one helped me feel really good and one didn't. I would challenge you to spend time focused on the better one, feeling the better one and owning it as it will not only make you feel better, it will improve your body language and improve what is going on around you than before.

Right now most of you are walking around not only feeling different and separate but less than and you are seeing very little improvement in your lives and that does, want you to feel like giving up. Implement  some of the suggestions, they work.

One verbal and belief weapon that is used very often when trying to control those who are different, especially against the gay community, it is directed at others too,  is you are going to hell. Some go as far as to blame natural disasters as a punishment for what they consider your "sins" to be.

Well I am different and I will give you a different perspective on all of that, you can choose what feels better for you. I should tell you I have visited hell and I have been in hell a few times and I am still here and if I understand what others mean sinning to be, then I guess I have sinned..a lot. But then so have those who say you will go to hell, in fact they tend to be the worst offenders.

First my trip to hell, it's actually a very little town in the Cayman Islands, where you can buy all sorts of t-shirts and goodies saying you have been to hell and back, there may be other towns with the same name throughout the world as well.

Seriously though I believe that hell is not an external place, rather an internal place. It's that feeling inside that we have when we are bullied or really screwed up something or have huge debts and the problems associated with that, where we perceive no hope or chance for it to improve and all the mental and physical turmoil that comes with that. I have been there a few times in my life, though not for a few years since I have been doing this type of work. It is the place, the darkest place of our lives, where the despair is so strong that suicide feels like the only option and I have felt that a couple of times too. For me that is what hell is like and it's inside us and the great news is we can come back and thrive.

Now that is radically different from what you have been told in the past, so I can understand you being skeptical at this point. I cannot prove that there is an external hell nor can the proponents who say that there is, so where does that leave us.

Well there is some thing called the death experience and also near death experience, some who have died on the operating table for example and come back, or been in an accident and been near death and come back again. I have had those experiences myself and there have been many books written by others and many other first hand accounts that you can find on the internet.

Without exception that I know of, all have these themes, a lot of white light, a deep level of peace, a deep level of love, familiar faces (even those who have sinned!) acceptance, and a feeling that all is well. No reports of punishment or banishment or fire or creepy beings.

It is up to you to choose what to believe, it may be helpful to really connect with the feeling that you are less than no one first before choosing.

I won't judge you for what you believe whether it is the same as my belief, nor will I try to force you to change and I would appreciate you offering me the same courtesy.

Just because someone else thinks you are worthless, less than or that they are in some way more superior, does not make it the truth.

More to come

Different Part 2

One of my experiences of being different was in school, even today I'm different than most in the line of work I do and I'm glad to be that way. I grew up in Scotland and one place  we lived was a small town of about 1500 people called Markinch, we were pretty well known as at that time my father was the local policeman too.

The time came for us to move to a town much larger by a factor of 20 called Kirkcaldy, this meant a new house, new friends and a new school. A lot to deal with, add to that my 4 brothers were able to go to one school and as there was no room for me I had to go to a different school, in a not as nice area, but still walkable.

Needless to say I had the body language of a mouse going into the lions den, my new school mates had known each other for years and it was rare for a new person to come to school, at least back then. I went to school and of course if felt like the first martian to arrive, questions after questions as they determined where I was going to fit in with them and likewise for me. So I was different, even more so when they asked what my father did for work then, which was a big threat.

I was able to make friends with my school mates, some of them anyway, played football (soccer) and spent time with them too. This was disruptive and threatening  to established friendships and as time went on those whom they perceived I was taking their friend away or were bothered by other things   were keen to see what I was made of. Other than fighting with my brothers I hadn't been much of a fighter, yet I was challenged often. One particular time 2 brothers jumped me on they way home from school, I guess I was pretty cut up and had at least one black eye. I let it be know to a friend that I was going to get the brother the same age as me, the next day after school, a one on one fight. It didn't take long for that to get around the school and my teacher warned me there was to be no fighting.

I figured that if it was after school there would not be a problem, especially as no one was taking action over what had happened to me in a two on one fight. Well I did have my fight, half the school was on hand to watch and I did get a few licks in, yet it wasn't satisfying and someone broke it up.

I did get into trouble, my mother was called to the headmasters office (principal) and I was apparently lucky not to get expelled. I was not only different, I was trouble and that was the filter that teachers used with me, I couldn't get a break. Under strict orders for there to be no more fighting, it was a challenge when  I was getting picked on by others, who knew one false step and I was done, I won't say I didn't fight of course I did, though I had to lie to my parents and had to be sneaky about it.

I understood the game and could see clearly how those who were the same were treated differently than I was. The brothers were never punished as they were known in school and it couldn't be believed that they could do such a thing, there was no prior history (of getting caught) so they were believed when they lied.

I didn't take it too personally, I just saw how things worked and adjusted, kids do that very well. They see the reaction from others especially parents, the patterns get very noticeable and I worked around all that, okay I got sneaky with it not to get caught.

My intention was not to allow others to think I was an easy target and that they could do as they wished with me. I can see where my resiliency started.

Resiliency is something that pays off, often not in the short term, certainly in the long term and interesting things happen when we don't give up and keep going. When we are resilient we don't get into the fear and the thinking that this is the way it will always be. Instead we get up, dust ourselves off and get going again, why, it's important to us for one thing.

Just think when you first started walking, thankfully you weren't thinking much then, you walked a few steps fell, maybe cried and then got up and tried again. We observed those big people do it and they seemed to move more quickly than we were crawling, so we wanted to be like that. Then we learned to walk and found out about running, we could run away from dad and we fell and there was blood and we kept going. Imagine if this all happened at 15, those fears and doubts would limit us to the point that most would never walk with all the setbacks we had.

I was resilient and wasn't going to be bullied and and I kept getting up and dusting myself off. There was a development that was going to change things in a big way, that could never have been expected and while it is very dramatic it does illustrate what happens when we are resilient.

Five or six months after we moved, from Markinch, there was a disaster at the Rangers and Celtic football game in Glasgow, fans were leaving thinking Rangers would not win and when the last second goal was scored and the crowd turned back and there was a crush of people, resulting in the deaths of 66 people. Of the 66, 5 were friends and neighbors aged 13-15 years from Markinch. This was known as the Ibrox disaster and was my first real exposure, at an age I could understand, to death.

The whole thing was quite shocking and quite unbelievable really and it was the dominant news everywhere at home and all that everyone was talking about. It was incredibly sad, there were the lives lost, worsened by so many young people and worsened even more with so many from a very small town.

Over the weekend there were a lot of comings and goings and then Monday came and it was time to go to school. I walked to school by myself as always and into the playground where there was a large group gathered, usually people were split off. I had a sense that something was wrong, it was different this morning and I walked towards them and they were moving towards me, oh oh. 

Then in a what has become a vivid memory that I have never forgotten, school friends and enemies moved forward closer and they started hugging me and asking if I was alright. They obviously knew I came from Markinch and had lost friends.

From that point on I was never seen as different or a trouble maker at school. I was seen as human as one of them and not separate from them. 

As I mentioned this is a dramatic example, disasters like this thankfully don't happen every day. I use this example to illustrate how change does eventually happen when we are resilient or we persevere or are stubborn, if you would rather connect with those words. It can just one small thing that sparks a change in just one person or it can be something bigger that changes many.

I believe the Rutgers student who recently committed suicide after he had allegedly been videotaped having sex with his boyfriend and then posted on the internet, hit a chord with many people gay or straight who would have been embarrassed, had that happened to them. As a result it has caused many people to alter their behaviour and what they say and do with others. The issue became less about being gay and more about the treatment of another human being which became more powerful.

We have more power when we are resilient and with that things happen for the better, the change we are looking for does happen, not instantly, eventually. We are born with resiliency as demonstrated above with walking and running, we can add to that riding a bike and driving a car. Most people I know have fallen off their bike and stalled the car when they were learning to do both, yet we kept going.

To me then we lose our resiliency through our mind, which activates those fears, those fears usually being about time periods in the future and how hard it is going to be. It would seem obvious then that if directed the mind away from that, our resiliency would be there for us. Experiment directing your mind towards what you have in common with the others rather than the differences or what separates you. Direct your mind towards what you appreciate about yourself and especially what you do want to happen as opposed to what you don't want going on.

I promise you if you practice this and are patient you will see a change and you will have better body language and people will treat you differently.

The difference in my body language from when I arrived at the school like a mouse and to when I was fighting back was more confident but at the anger stage, yet not as good as if I were confident and accepting of myself. This was back in 1970 and 1971 and fighting is not handled by schools they same way today, you are more likely to face serious charges today.

However you can take that journey in your mind, you can pretend to punch them in the nose in your mind to help you feel better and then move from there in your mind towards what you want. No one can arrest you for what you are thinking in the privacy of your own mind.

Read through these posts a couple of times, practice the tools and if you feel they won't work, then how do you know if you haven't tried them. If you still feel they won't work then ask yourself what you think might work, or is your mind closed like those you are complaining about?

More to come

 

Different

A contributing factor in bullying is when someone is different than the others. Why would that be a threat? Well people don't know what to expect from you when you are different from them, they add a meaning to that, something that they perceive as a threat to their safety, environment, beliefs, even their future and how the people being different will take their comfort level, peace and even their power. 

At the basis of all of that is fear or more specifically in most cases, fear about something happening in the future. The thought process is some day, they will want to do this to me, or some day they will make me sick, or some day they will attack me, or some day they will want me to be like them to name  a few things.

There are many different responses that people will have when they are faced with this situation, age and location are a factor as are what is happening in the media as an influence too.

For example growing up, there was a chinese restaurant in town, the only one, and not only did they look different from everyone else, their food did too. One thing people do when they can't comprehend the differences is they will make things up. They false story going around was that the restaurant caught rats and served them to save money. Utterly false of course, however that didn't matter, whom ever made that up and felt powerless, they felt better making the story up, and in doing so and in their mind neutralized the threat. I know how crazy is that, yet it goes on all time. I recall too an older man who lived alone, he was given a nickname and it was made up that he kidnapped children, again completely false. It did allow those people who saw the man as different to justify their fears and help soothe them in the moment.

Not too long ago, when Corona beer first came out and was getting popular, some people saw Mexican beer as being different from their perceptions of Mexicans and their products, so there must be something wrong it's different. So a rumor started that the Mexicans were urinating in the beer, again completely false, yet it was able to close the gap in those peoples minds.

One lesson you can learn from all of this is that while in the moment it may seem as if all the names, rumors etc are being directed to you specifically, in a sense they are, however if you look at the broader picture they are being directed at the gap between what you represent to them and the threat that is to them and that is all in THEIR mind. With some practice if you can avoid taking things personally it will help you enormously, as that turns the energy and thoughts outwards from you rather than inwards to you.

That is important as you feel less like a victim, and your whole being changes, the vibe you put out changes and just as importantly your body language changes too. There are gay and other different people with a confident body language who don't get picked on, noticeable in sports, and those with a timid cowering body language who get picked for being different and for a variety of other reasons unrelated as well.

Test that out for yourself, see how people interact with you when you are happy and confident and when you are feeling sad and insecure, there is a difference and it is noticeable and it will reinforce to you how important it is not to take it personally and to keep things smaller as opposed to making them bigger. 

The question in your mind is how and what can I do to not take it personally. Just as the person who initiates all of this is feeling fearful about something potentially in the future, you are too. Whatever they say or do to you, you are taking that information, and that is all it really is, information and projecting that into the future as well. How often do you think, everyday is going to be like that, everyday I will have to hear that or some day this will get worse or I have no future. You have no real way to know if that is true or not just as the other person has no real way to know if their fears about the future will be true either.

To illustrate that more, think back 6 months ago, what was the fear or fears you had active in your mind at that time and did they come true, or go back in time further, did they come true and in most cases they didn't. I know what a lot of time and energy we waste!

The key then is to avoid projecting thoughts into the future, stay present which takes a lot of the fear away, try it out for yourself.

The next step is not to take it personally, instead see it as this other person or people feeling a difference between you and them and that it is the difference they feel threatened and it is the fear they are inventing in their mind that caused them to respond they way they did. It would be too much for you to close the gap between you in any meaningful way at this point, instead see them as a fellow human who is feeling fear, like you are.

You will be astounded at how different you feel from doing this, your body language will be very different, and I encourage you to test this out and video tape yourself to see for yourself. This is the difference in how you will be treated in the future.

Within each community, yes even the work I do there are differences in people, same in the communities of those of different color, sexual orientation, mentally challenged, health challenged and in the political parties as well. However you see yourself within your own community how do you deal with the differences between you?

For example one difference in the gay community is between those who consider themselves masculine and those feminine, where ever you see yourself, how do you feel and interact with the opposite? If you treat each other badly or even feel very strongly in a negative way about the difference, then aren't you just like those outside your own community you are complaining about?

If you want to see a change from those outside and how they deal with you, then how can that happen until you are accepting of the differences with those on the inside. The answer is of course that there cannot be a noticeable change until that changes. Remember, the person who you want to change in all likelihood has labeled you as the difference that you perceived within your own community. This is especially true in the black, latin and gay communities based on the media portrayal of the extremes in each community.

It would be too much to ask for you to love those within your community who represent the opposites or extremes from you, if you can accept them or be at peace about the difference or tolerate the difference then that will be reflected back to you in the way outsiders treat you.

Practice and test it for yourselves a few times and see if you can see a difference, it can be helpful to be around different people when you do as those you normally interact with are so conditioned it may take longer than 1 attempt to see a change.

More to come

It Gets Better

Here in the USA there has been a lot of media coverage and discussion about the large number of gay teenagers who have been bullied and have chosen to commit  suicide as a result. While bullying or non acceptance is not limited to the gay teenage community, it does represent a large percentage of the problem.

Anyone who is different is subject to the wrath of a bully or bullies, mentally challenged people, Susan Boyle for example wrote about her childhood experiences with bullies, those who are disabled, autistic, creative, new in town as I experienced, and a situation I was involved in recently someone who has different colored hair.

One good thing that has come out of all of this, is a project called the "it gets better project" they also have a you tube channel  with videos from everyone from President Obama to everyday people gay and straight offer messages of hope and encouragement that no matter how bad it seems right now, it does get better. This encouragement and hope is to let kids, not just gay kids know that suicide is not the only option and it is worth hanging on.

Suicide is the leading cause of death in this country for those under 35 and teenagers, which is pretty shocking when you think about it. That is just based on the successful suicides, many do not succeed which adds to the despair. The numbers are increasing in the current economic climate, where the focus is on fear, failure, shortage, hopelessness, which is a fertile feeding ground for those feeling all of that, to try and take it out on people who are different than them. Those being attacked in turn feel that despair and hopelessness and turn to suicide as a way to end that pain.

It can be different and the project and videos are a good starting point.

The next several posts are going to go in depth about the differences that trigger bullying, I will offer some practical solutions that can help you feel better and we will go in depth about suicide as well. This series is not just directed towards gay teenagers, it is for everyone as this is the time of year that the number of suicides increase.

Oops 2

Last week I mentioned that we all make mistakes or have unintended outcomes. Unless someone is out for revenge we don't deliberately go out with the intention for that to happen. So what happens?

If we are doing something new like learning to drive then what we are doing is unfamiliar to us, when that happens, there is a lot we learn from our mistakes. It doesn't feel like it in the moment, especially if we stall the car in front of friends, we are learning what not to do and the timing of the pedals too. Same is true for any task or job that we are doing for the first few times and everyone goes through it.

If it is something we do on a regular basis, work, sports etc, then often we are distracted, unfocused, lots of worries or fears running through our mind when mistakes happen. We can learn from those occasions too, if you keep a record of what is going on, you may notice a pattern that develops under certain scenarios. This makes it easy to make adjustments.

Although it's easier said than done at time, though not impossible, before we start anything, the more we can quiet the mind and remain focused it will help minimize the potential for mistakes. One trick is to make things smaller instead of bigger, yes you know how those stories run in your mind!

When the mistakes   have those unintended outcomes, then go easy on yourself, no one is perfect, and beating yourself up time and time again just reactivates all the chemical responses in your body as if the event was actually happening again, which is not a good thing.

So be easy on yourself and on others when it happens.

Staying hopeful

Things happen in life and it can be a struggle to remain hopeful under those circumstances. However,  it is possible no matter what the circumstances are or how dire it may seem to remain hopeful. Yes, it does take an effort and outside assistance may be required, it can be done.

An recent example of this is the copper mine rescue in Chile, 33 miners were trapped for nearly 70 days. That they were able to survive the tunnel collapse in the first place was a miracle, it is not often that happens, the odds were against them, yet they were alive. How to get them out quickly was not an easy task, at first they thought the rescue team would reach them by Christmas. It is difficult to keep your hope alive under those circumstances, yet they did as did their families.

You may have your own worries or fears about the economy, your job, health or other things and it may seem as if it might never get better. As you know it does and if you make the effort hour by hour, day by day to remain hopeful, to look for positive signs, to imagine what it will be like when things do improve, live in a fantasy world, at least you can be hopeful.

If the miners could do it, down in the tunnel, no sun light or blue sky, not much for food, not much walking room, away from their families, you can too. Do you think they are being ridiculed for thinking what it would be like to come out and hold a loved one, to enjoy the sun, so have a nice dinner, to walk along the beach or lake or down the road. If you are trapped in a tunnel then that is a fantasy as it is so removed from their then reality in that tunnel.

If you don't have a job, the fantasy is taking the car to your new job, feeling valued at work, spending the paycheck, new co workers to laugh with, feeling good again. Don't tell anyone what you are thinking, they will not understand, might even mock you for it. Get real they might say, you will never find a job at your age. Yet all things are possible, just ask the miners.

It can be better to say no 2

In our personal lives we are saying yes to many things, could be work related, family related, friends related, socially related or some other activities. In saying yes, I know that a lot of stress and resentment even frustration comes from that decision.

One way to examine the topic is to write down a list of the things you are continually saying yes too and then write down how you feel about doing them. Is there a hint of complaining or the above emotions there? If so there is an element of stress involved.

The next question to ask for these scenarios is, why are you saying yes to something that causes this stress? Are you saying yes to be liked or well thought of? Are you saying yes out of fear? Are you saying yes to get an approval of someone or some kind of reward? Are you saying yes out of obligation or because you have to or you think you may look bad if you were to say no? Don't judge yourself over the answers, just go with it and this new awareness.

That usually uncovers a lot and may be surprising to some of you. It's okay to say yes, it's okay to help others, many people are doing so for reasons that are not helpful towards feeling good. Which is why so many people complain and grumble about things, they "have to do" when in reality they often don't. Realize too that you can't control whether people like you are not and you saying yes or no to something is usually not the deciding factor. It's only important that you like yourself.

Whatever your decision a yes or a no, support your decision with your words and actions (which means no complaining).

With increased awareness as to why you are making a decision and supporting your decision, you will notice that you enjoy what you are doing more and there will be less stress in your life.

It's not the end of the world when.....

I saw this in the Southwest magazine earlier and thought it would give some encouragement to those who went into bankruptcy, got fired etc.

"Dear Reader

America is the land of second chances, and some of our most inspiring heroes were uninspiring first chancers. Take Harry S. Truman a 38 year old bankrupt haberdasher before he entered politics.

Or Ulysses S. Grant, an alcoholic and failed businessman before volunteering for military duty.

Or Sarah Hale, a widow with five children and no career experience, who went on to edit the first American magazine for women, Ladies Magazine, and lobby President Lincoln to make Thanksgiving a national holiday.

Or Frederic Tudor. After pawning his way out of debtors prison, he sold ice throughout the south before the Civil War, allowing for the mint julep's increased popularity. He made a killing, invested it badly, landed back in debtors prison and died fabulously wealthy.

Or Clara Barton, unemployed and living with her father at age 36 before becoming the founder of the American Red Cross.

Or Steve Jobs, who after being fired as head f Apple Corporation, steered Pixar to success and came back to save Apple and beget ieverything.

Or you and me. The mark of a person's true character isn't in whether she succeeds or fails. It's in what she does after failure or disaster or plain horrible luck. It's in whether she makes hope triumph over experience.

The best thing about this country, I think is the second and third and fourth and fifth chances it gives itself. At this uncertain time in our history, it's important to remember that we're also the land of Try, Try Again."

Jay Heinrichs

Editorial Director

Look around you

As more people look for more income, they often look outside for opportunities, which is understandable. Having just moved, despite my conscious effort  to buy what would bring value, improvement and ease into my life, some things slipped there way through, hey, we all have our week moments.

I'm guessing I am not alone there and I know from all the books on the subject many are a lot worse. Look around you there is value in those things you no longer or maybe never used.

For example there are many companies that will purchase old cell phones and electronics for cash, Craiglist offers free listings for everything you could possibly want to buy or sell, Ebay is another though it costs money.

I promise you there is a lot of money available from selling this unwanted, unused stuff, just look around you will soon spot things, I'm sure you could easily find $1000 in your house. For example a few years ago, I had copied all of my cd's onto itunes as the way I listened to music changed from cd players to ipods and the like. I had over 500 cd's and there was and still is people buying them for a $1 each. I could have received more selling them one by one, this company paid for the shipping and took them all for $500. Which opened up a lot of space for me.

You may find it difficult to believe, there is the 80/20 rule. In business often 80% of the income comes from 20% of the customers. In the home we wear 20% of our clothes and use 20% of those kitchen gadgets, test it out for yourself.

It can be very liberating to let go of this stuff, it is good emotionally, it is good financially, and it creates space and it is actually quite easy to do, one step at a time.

You have what may be new information, there is an opportunity for you, convert those things into cash or keep complaining how money is tight, there is no hope, Obama is useless, the economy sucks. You have a choice.

Keep Going

I had planned my annual pilgrimage to Hanging Rock, just outside Glenwood Springs all week. I knew from all the warmer temperatures that the winter snowmelt would create a better trip than before as the snow had been the most in several years.

On the Friday I packed my back pack and charged up the camera, ready for some spectacular photos and got the water ready to keep my hydrated. I was all ready for an early morning start and the 3 hour drive it would take to get there. I was heading out to meet friends for dinner and thought I would double check the exit number of the highway, I couldn't quite remember it, you have to exit one side of the highway and then go back on the other side to get there.

I searched the internet and saw which one to take. I also saw something else, a notice that the trail was closed until August for repairs and improvements, I know what!!!! That was disappointing to say the least after I had been thinking about it all week. On the other hand it was great that I found out then as opposed to driving 3 hours to find out after I got there. How lucky was that!

I headed of to dinner, wondering what I would do on the Saturday instead, I asked my friends if they had heard about the closure, none had and everyone agreed how lucky it was I found out before getting there.

On the Saturday, I chose to go to the National Park, there were a few hikes I hadn't experienced there and thought Lake Helene would be a good one. It was the first Saturday in June and about a mile up the trail, I was met with this:

It was clear people had been walking along the top the the snow bank, so I went along for about half a mile. I was dressed in shorts and trail sneakers, not exactly the best for dealing with scratches from trees and dropping through snow pockets and as I could see no end to the snow, and there wasn't much ease, (though at times it was funny, when one leg was down a snowhole trying to get out) soI turned back.

Some thoughts about some weekend this has turned out to be, filtered in and I didn't attach to them, just let them go. I mean where else can you be in June and we walking on snow. Others I met on the trail commented on how wild it was that there was so much snow still here in June.

As I was leaving, I thought I will walk along Spraugue Lake, it was a much lower elevation so there wouldn't be snow. It seems everyone else had that idea too!, there were no parking spaces anywhere.

Not to worry, I had been there several times before, so it was time to head home.

On the way down through the park, I was struck by how fast the river to the side was flowing and found a place to park on the side of the road. I had never seen any river flow with this intensity before, anywhere.

Who needs coffee when you can receive energy from the river like this, it really is energizing. I continued my drive down and saw another spot where there were rocks creating even more force. Again I stopped and this is what it was like:

The pictures don't do justice to what I felt, the energy it this point was the most intense I have ever felt from nature so far. It was surging through my body, tingles, pulsing, you name it, it was there. This power stayed with me until the following Wednesday and it was exhilarating.

I would have enjoyed Hanging Lake, though I don't think the energy would have been powerful like this was, and Lake Helene as I discovered soon after was nice, nothing to match this experience though. Sprauge Lake, been there done that a few times. The point I am making this was all new   and came as a result of keeping going, of not giving up, not getting annoyed because things weren't going my way or as I would like them to be. I just kept going at an even keel.

Now 12 years ago, I would have become angry or annoyed or frustrated and would have given up, and driven right past what the universe was offering, not even have noticed it, and certainly not in a position to fully receive it.

Everybody goes through things and experiences in life that are bigger in scale than this one, or at least we make them out to be bigger. At the end of the day, it's quite simple, in this case as well as those more "serious" situations, all that happened is we didn't get what we wanted, when we wanted it, in the way we wanted it, from whom we wanted, as much as we wanted.

That's it, pure and simple.

When that happens we often give up, have a tantrum, complain about it and miss out on whatever is waiting just round the corner. Then complain about why things are taking so long.

There is a better way, if we would let go and choose it, it would be more fun.

Who moved?

Every morning on my way to the gym, I pass a church and sometimes there is a message on the sign outside. I was struck by the message today- "If God seems far away, who moved?"

The point I think they want to make is God is always there, (replace God with what or whoever you believe) and we are the ones doing the moving.

How do we move away from God, what we want, good health, prosperity, fun, the job we want etc. Usually it's an emotional thing, we lose hope, we spend more time complaining, we drown our sorrows in our favorite substances, we give up, we get stuck in the problem, we hold onto things etc.

When we go through that, and it is no surprise that we combine several things on that list at the one time, that God or whatever we would like to be close to, feels miles away.

We moved away through our emotions and actions, to get closer again it would make sense that   we would do so through our emotions and actions.

If you didn't know then a good place to start would be the opposite of what we chose and were doing that led us to be further away. Find traces of hope, compliment, being resilient, focusing on the solution, let go quickly.

I know it seems so simple and it is. I know it might not be fair and I know it's not right, at least you will be closer to what you want.

New Experience

Every day brings the opportunity for new experiences, even if the difference is only small. Each new experience brings the opportunity for learning, fun, happiness and variety.

The Red Sox were recently in town to play the Rockies, so it was an opportunity to enjoy the game, hang out with friends, see the Red Sox and enjoy a really beautiful ball park. I didn't realize that half the crowd would be Red Sox fans, I have never been to any sporting event live where the crowd was split this way and it made for an exciting time.

The atmosphere was electric as the Rockies had the best pitcher in baseball pitching and took the lead, a cheer would go up, "lets go Rockies" followed by "lets go Red Sox" which was maintained throughout the night. Then the Red Sox started a comeback and tied the game, I mentioned to my friends that the pitch count was getting high for the Rockies, no sooner had I said that, a home run, the Red Sox were in front with a 2 run lead.

The atmosphere held up as we reached the 9th inning, one of the best closers was in the game for the Sox, the fans were on their feet, then bam a home run for the Rockies, tied game, next hitter oh no, an unheard of back to back home run and the Rockies win.

Even though the Sox lost the whole evening was a blast, so much fun, excitement, the atmosphere, everyone was buzzing, it was that good, the result didn't matter so much as having that good time.

Now that I have had that experience, I am in alignment to go to a higher level in the future. People often say it doesn't get any better than that when they have a good time, take that limitation back as it does keep getting better.

Oh, and just writing this all out for you, brought all that excitement back again.

Make it smaller

When things happen on our lives, that we wish didn't or that are unwanted, there is always a solution available. Usually though, people keep the emphasis on the problem, talk about it, share it, look for others with  the same problem, complain about, go all victim about it.

By the time they are doing all of that, the problem feels a lot bigger, which feels like it is more difficult to overcome, which makes it even bigger and all of that is even further away from the solution.

Now, there is a benefit to making it bigger like that. We get sympathy, comfort, love and maybe someone to step in and try and fix it for us, just like we did when our parents were looking after us as kids.

Would it be better and easier to keep it smaller and look for a solution? Would it save you less time so that you could enjoy life a bit more?

The only correct answer is the one that feels good for you. Today

Perfect Game

I recently wrote about I movie I enjoyed called the Perfect Game, based on the perfect game pitched by the little league team from Mexico in 1957.

At the professional level in baseball there have been only 18 perfect games pitched in major league baseball dating back to 1880. Each team plays at least 162 games a season so it gives you an idea how rare this feat is.

Interestingly this year there have already been 2 perfect games in the same month officially and 3 within 30 days unofficially.

Is there a connection between the movie being out, maybe not as it wasn't widely seen or is the 4 minute mile effect after Roger Bannister broke the 4 minute mile barrier and others followed suit quickly thereafter, or a combination of both. Makes you wonder.

At the time of writing this the unofficial perfect game is that, the umpire blew the call for what would have been the last out, but for that if was a perfect game. The pitcher, Armando Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers, knew he had the out and was graceful at the end of game. Here is a great quote from a reporter, the last paragraph is something to remember for everyone, especially those seeking perfection and those demanding perfection:

 

Galarraga pitched a perfect game on Wednesday night in Detroit. I’ll always believe that. I think most baseball fans will always believe that. But, more than anything, it seems that Galarraga will always believe it. The way he handled himself after the game, well, that was something better than perfection. Dallas Braden’s perfect game was thrilling. Roy Halladay’s perfect game was art. But Armando’s Galarraga’s perfect game was a lesson in grace.

And when my young daughters ask, “Why didn’t he get mad and scream about how he was robbed?” I think I will tell them this: I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s because Armando Galarraga understands something that is very hard to understand, something we all struggle with, something I hope you will learn as you grow older: In the end, nobody’s perfect. We just do the best we can"

Joe Posnanski

Not to be forgotten either is the fact the umpire after seeing the replay, immediately, owned the fact he made a mistake and apologized to the pitcher, a rare thing these days too.